Life lessons I had to learn the hard way

0:00Here goes five life lessons that I had to learn the hard way. Life lesson number one, victim mentality is narcissism in disguise. And this one, this one doesn't sit right with a lot of people. A lot of people feel like I have every single reason to feel like I'm a victim. I've been down on my ass for so long. You don't know my story. You don't know the that I've been through. And you're right. So I am just speaking for myself when I say that any sort of victim mentality is narcissism and I don't think it is just for me. I do feel this way in other people but I don't think it's one of those malicious things that people do to constantly feel like a victim in order to be the center of attention. And these are just narcissistic tendencies that they have used to constantly feel like they are the center of every room that they walk in.

0:55This isn't what I'm talking about. Are there people out there like that? Of course, there's people that's constantly trying to use bad things that have happened to them or even people around them by proxy that, you know, they just feel sympathetic, you know, have empathy for me, feel bad for me. I'm just so down right now. I'm not talking about these people. I'm talking about how on a certain level, everybody feels a certain sense of entitlement to what they're owed in life. And I guess everybody is a blanket statement. So automatically it means it's not true. But a lot of people, how about that? A lot of people feel like they are entitled to things like happiness. They're entitled to everything going right for them as long as they do the right thing. As long as they follow all the rules, well, life should just be pretty good. Yeah, happens. But if you do the right thing, you should be rewarded.

1:51A lot of people feel that way. A lot of people feel like if you are a good person, bad things shouldn't happen to you. A lot of people feel like children shouldn't get terminal illnesses. There's a lot of people that feel like, well, if you get taken away from this earth too soon, that shouldn't happen. A lot of people feel entitled to a lot of things. Victim mentality is narcissism in disguise. And I understand how that can be triggering depending on what your circumstance is. Sometimes you really are a victim in a situation. Like as far as like let's define what victim means and you actually check all the boxes. You are a victim. Congratulations. way to go. I'm not saying that nobody is ever the victim and just pick yourself up by your bootstraps and it doesn't really matter.

2:50That's not at all what I'm saying. I I guess when I am talking about victim mentality in this circumstance, I mean all of the minute things in our life, all of the small trivial things that happen that like I said, we just feel entitled to them being a different way, the way that we want, the right way. Is it the right way or is it just the way that we see it? You know, if you get red lights all the way on the way to work, do you have bad luck? Is this just the traffic gods against you? Of course. This always happens. I always get red lights. I'm catching every single light every single time. See, the thing about victim mentality, it has a way of creating more situations in which you feel like a victim. And maybe it's because that's what you're constantly sitting here ruminating on.

3:49You're constantly thinking about all of the times in which you've felt even slightly marginalized, slightly at a disadvantage in life. Well, now I'm just a victim. Well, now look at what happened to me. And it doesn't have to be some unhealthy thing that you're constantly flashing in front of somebody. In fact, for me personally, it's the conversations you're having in your head like, "Oh god, of course, man. this this had to happen and then if this didn't happen, I wouldn't have done this, man. Okay. I mean, are we just talking about like factual statements where something bad happened in your life and then domino effect that led to something else or are you actually sitting here trying to say that because this other bad thing happened, you had no sense of agency in the next things that happened in your life? And I I felt like that a lot. It it does feel like when bad happens in your life, it's especially when it's back to back to back.

4:44It's like a string of unfortunate events. Sometimes it's easy to connect the dots. Connect those strings and say, "Wait a minute. Like, I never would have been in this place if that didn't happen. And I never would have had this happen to me if that didn't happen." Like, can you see how everything first started when things went to years ago? And you're sitting here again, you're just thinking about all of the bad things that have happened in your life and how they've led to more bad things. And who knows what's around the corner. This has probably got your anxiety going crazy. Crazy. At least that's what would happen for me. Victim mentality is narcissism in disguise. Who are you? You're so vain to think that this is about you. You're so vain to think that the way you want things is the way it ought to be. And when something bad happens, I mean, we call things bad.

5:40And okay, objectively, bad things can happen. I'm not going to say it's good if you get some sort of flesh-eating virus and you have to get your leg amputated. God damn, that sounds pretty bad. I ain't going to lie. Not going to lie. That doesn't sound good. But for you to think that every single bad thing that happens in your life is because you're some victim of circumstance of some higher power victim of God trying to teach you a lesson and just making making sure that you're strong enough to get through everything that you get through. Whatever you believe, whatever reasoning and rationale that you put behind the bad things that you go through, feeling like you're a victim, feeling like this is happening to you as opposed to just happening. It's just happening, bro. It's it's not something that is personal. It's hard not to take things personally when it is happening to you as a person.

6:38We're all conscious beings that are just trying to figure out this thing called life. So yeah, we overthink things sometimes and when bad happens, we try to question why it happened. We want to make sure it doesn't happen again. This this all makes sense. Not being narcissistic. I'm being smart. This is survival. I guess I agree with you 100%. The hypothetical you. I'm just going back and forth acting like I'm on both sides of the fence. But when I say victim mentality, I'm not saying think about the that happens in your life. Well, I just hit this speed bump. I just stepped in this pile of How do I make sure that doesn't happen again? Is it out of my control? You know what I mean? I can't say how do I make sure that I never get rained on again? Well, I guess I could stay inside forever and ever, but for the most part, that's that's out of my control.

7:37Let's be real. And there are plenty of bad things that happen to us that are out of our control. But there are so many things that happen to us where we can avoid it in the future. That's why they say learn from your mistakes or whatever. So when you're thinking about bad getting quotes around the bad, but things that you would prefer not to happen happen to you when those things happen, you thinking about it objectively like, man, that hurts. But how did this happen? How did I find myself in this situation? All of this is healthy in my opinion. None of this is having a victim mentality. In my opinion, this this is a whole another can of worms. When I say victim mentality, that's when you are constantly, like I said, you you are thinking it's just d all the bad that's happening. Of course, this happened and it just piles on.

8:33It has a way of just getting worse and worse, especially if the universe continues to prove you right. And just from personal experience, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, the universe, whatever word you want to use, something out there does seem to have a way of answering you. And if I were to put on my um science hat and try to look at this realistically like what is actually happening? What actually makes you feel like when you are suffering from constantly feeling like a victim and you're just in your head about every negative thing over and over? Why does it feel like you actually do have more bad things? If everything is just happening, it's not happening to you. Well, then we have to feel that way consistently, right? That means that this is just happening. So what do you mean it has a way of drawing more bad to you?

9:30So if I had to think of how this realistically could be happening, how this could be something that you would perceive if you had a victim mentality. Like man, more and more bad happens and the more and more I think about the bad the more bad things continue to happen. I think it's the same way. If you were constantly driving out in the street and you spot your car, you notice before you got that car, you never really noticed it. Maybe you've seen it. You thought it was a nice car, but you didn't notice it like now. Like now you're seeing this everywhere. This is crazy. Everybody has this. I didn't realize I was so unoriginal in this city. like I didn't. But chances are about the same amount of people were driving that make a model of car even before you had it. It's it's what your focus is on.

10:31It's kind of like if you feel like you have a lucky number and you just start to look around at all of the different things that showcase numbers like clocks and phones or whatever, literally whatever, you're going to start seeing that number. I think there's a old movie with Jim Carrey where he he tried to do some some serious It was like the number 23 or something like that. And this saw 23 everywhere. Like he saw it everywhere. He was doing math problems coming back to 23. Everything was about 23. And maybe maybe somewhere way down the line that was something baked into our DNA, our biology that helped us survive and thrive as we continue to evolve into the humans that we are today. Maybe it was something where if you fixate on something, it helped you stay alive longer.

11:29But now I think a lot of people have taken it way too far because it's not as black and white as focusing on I got to make sure I get food. I got to make sure I don't get eaten. I got to make sure I find some sort of berry that I can eat that doesn't poison me or whatever. I got to make sure it's not one of the ones that I've already been told is poisonous. So is it is it one of those? I got to I got to have extreme focus right now. We don't have these situations. Most of us, we are we're really in a completely new environment if you look at humans historically. So maybe some of the evolutionary tendencies that we've grown to have, well, they they sort of go haywire. They malfunction when you try to integrate them into modern day society. When you're constantly focusing on the bad that happens in your life, you're constantly feeling like like honestly I don't know a better way to put it.

12:37So, I'm just going to say say it very bluntly. You you keep feeling like you you matter, don't you? You really think that like anything has to do with you? Like bad that happens in your life has nothing to do with you. Just just a circumstance. And yeah, you could have had some choices that led to you being in the place that you're at when this bad happened and you can go down the rabbit hole of the different dominoes in your life. I'm not saying you can't do that, but look around. Do you think it's just you? Do you think you're the only one? Do you think that your movie is so original that you have to constantly watch it over and over again in your head? Woe was me and this is exactly why it happens and blah blah blah. You giving yourself any amount of time to constantly think about this. It doesn't have to be all day. Any time that you put towards thinking about this past the point of this was the mistake I made.

13:35This is this the type of that I stepped in. Let me avoid this from here on out. Past that point, you're you're just wasting your time. And it really was one of those things where I just had to finally say, it sounds so cheesy, but like enough is enough. Like what? What? You really you really think this is about you? That's why I put it bluntly because that's how I like to talk about things to myself. I don't like to sugarcoat And let's be let's be blunt. You really You really think you matter? You think that anybody gives a and then what? What? Talk about your feelings. Talk about the that you're going through. Who who cares? Who cares? You be like, "Well, family cares. Friends care." Do they? Do they? Do they? Or do they care to the extent that they want to make sure that you're there when they want to voice their problems?

14:31And people care about you. Don't I guess don't just take that and run with it. But god damn, there is a certain level like I I care. I want to make sure you're not going through like something crazy. It's like, but how much do other people really care? It's one of those things where if you really think that people are walking around thinking about you, you're you're sadly mistaken. If you think that anybody is thinking about the mistakes you've made or how silly you look or anything like that or if you feel embarrassed, any sort of social anxiety, anything like that, nobody's thinking about you. Anything that happens, it's not because there's somebody up on the cloud like I'm going to show you. And I hate to be I hate to be so certain about things because I don't know. So small aster little caveat, I don't know. Maybe I'm open to being wrong. Maybe I'll die and be like, "Actually, bro, I was trying to send you signs."

15:30And we see the signs. You can have all these stories where it's like, "I'm telling you, like, let me tell you my story, and you can't tell me this isn't a sign, a sign that like it changed my life." Of course, me going through this was some sort of higher purpose or a plan or something that was sent to me as a trial or a tribulation that I had to get through, something that I had to overcome. Of course, it is. How can you say? It's like, I believe you when you say that means so much to you. I believe you when you connect the dots and the strains and how everything is connected in your life. I believe that that's how you see it. I believe you. I believe you. But I also believe that you could see it in a whole another type of way and you would be just as convicted in that belief. I believe that it's just your perception. It's just a way of making sense of things. It's the same way you can have things like paridia where you look up into the clouds and even though they're just clouds, we see shapes.

16:30Oh, look at that. It's a bunny. Look at the little bunny trying to get away. It's like, "Oh, wow. Look at that." We try to make sense. We try to make patterns. we do it. Again, it's probably something with evolution that we we wanted to survive longer, but uh there's a way to make that toxic. So, as long as you're aware, it's probably that's probably the best defense is just to be aware of it. And it took me a long time to learn that. It took me a long time before I really really was just able to step outside of myself and be like this this just happened. And I could look back in my period different periods of my life now where bad did happen and it was like some backto-back And I could tell you about the different strings that are attached and actually that second thing never would have happened if the first bad thing didn't happen and see this is just my life out to get me.

17:27I could tell you all those things too. But it wasn't until I was able to step back and look at it objectively and realize, wow, like I was just laying in that like I was making it worse, even if the same amount of bad is happening. And honestly, it's not like I'm out here measuring it. I think that's the point, right? You're not sitting here fixating on every bad thing that happens to you. You're not sitting here looking for patterns in the negative in your life. I think that even once you look at everything, you look at everything and you try to put a balance to it as far as well this was 20 good things happened this week and then five bad things happened. You know, you you try to make sense of it in this way and it's still you just fixating over it. We'll get right back to the show, but another life lesson I had to learn the hard way is never forget to mention the sponsor of your show.

18:27And the first alarm clock could only ring at 4:00 a.m. So yeah, this episode was brought to you by Carry On by XO Xuded. And as always, I'm so grateful for our sponsors for making this all possible. Yeah. I keep myself together, under control, under the surface. I'm going to explode. I can't really explain it. And so I don't. I guess that explains why I feel alone. Low, low, lonely. I'll carry on. Lonely. Yeah. So I'mma carry on. Life could be a but we bondage. I know she just here to keep me honest. Testing me with hardship. Seeing if I crack under the pressure.

19:23I stand by every ill stand for lack of effort. Close my eyes and I see and my kids don't want for nothing. I've been dreaming of the day when I ain't stressing over money. But until that time comes, I ain't never slowing down. Heavy is a head with the crown. This be up at night. Every day is wearing me down. Is a hand with the crown. the story of my life. I just even if you're not like, "Oh, I I'm just woe is me, whatever." Like all the different examples I was just giving, it's it's it's another way. You're just logically fixating over it. You're still being narcissistic. And this was a little workaround that I try to do. So, I don't know the exact numbers. But even if I had the same amount of bad that happens in my life on a yearly basis and the same amount of quoteunquote good things that happen in my life on a yearly basis, I feel better and that's that's all that matters. I don't feel like life is happening to me.

20:18I anything bad that is happening or will happen or did happen. I see it as ah it's just a little little challenge, a little thing I got to work around. It's just something that is and that's okay. Life lesson number two, obligation. There are only decisions. I used to I used to feel so obligated to damn near everything. This one is tough to overcome. It's one of those where I'm aware of it and it is helping to be the defense against it, but god damn is it still hard. I guess there's a part of me that is just a bit of a people pleaser and not even in a like I want to make everybody happy. I I realize it's it's kind of in a different way. I'm a people pleaser in the fact that I I go out of my way to make sure like I'm not disrespecting you. Just want to make sure you know like I'm not I'm not disrespecting you.

21:16Like we're good. You know what I mean? And not even again that's that sounded a little bit like weird like okay calm down. I just mean in general in my head I go out of my way to make sure like I am not disrespectful to anybody and obviously that's a good thing but that's why I guess I guess I'm finding it hard to put it into words how this has become a negative thing but almost where it has shaped my personality and it wasn't until years later recently honestly that it's just like damn I still actually if I if I sit down and think about it there's like other things that happen all the time where I'll catch myself it's like why do you do that like why why why do you do that you you want to make sure that you don't come across any type of way so you literally alter the way that you move or I don't want to come across in a way where it's like cringey or you know all the things that that somebody naturally would avoid.

22:22I don't want to be embarrassed. I don't want to feel awkward. I don't I try to avoid all these things and then I tend to get in my head about it. So there's there's all these different ways in which I go about life where it it's become a habit. It's become an obligation. It's become something that is baked into what I do. And I have to stop and be like, why why do I do this? Why? Why when I see somebody that's like like a little bit too far to be honest away from the door that you know we're both coming into the store, why do I sit there and I hold the door open for them? It's like cuz now they're doing the little walk where they got to go a little faster and then in my head I'm sitting here thinking like, damn, did I do it too did I do it too uh too early where now they feel obligated or some like that? And then I just stop and I'm like, damn, why are you thinking about this? What what's wrong with you? But that's not the only that's I guess on a small scale.

23:20Like I said, I don't want to be I don't want to be disrespectful, but on that level, I guess that's also like I want to be polite. Like I want to show like I I get what I look like, but I'm not stupid. I'm not a thug. I'm not about to steal nothing. I'm not about to do nothing to nobody. Like I'm I'm a pretty respectful person, I would say. In fact, I am I'm I make sure that I'm not disrespectful because I guess historically the way that I've always felt when people disrespect me. And luckily, it doesn't happen often just because again, I treat everybody with respect no matter who you are. So, it's one of those things where because of this, it's it's helped me out. But obviously, there are out there and people disrespect you. It's one of those things where it's like I never I don't disrespect nobody about it's one of those things where you sit here and you talk to yourself like man like I I've done it's it's kind of like lesson number one.

24:16I followed all these rules and look at what life has done to me. I don't disrespect nobody and then blah blah blah like what you're you're mad. It's it's okay. And again, these are small things, just small I guess those aren't even called obligations, but those were the first things that I thought of when I just read that lesson out loud. So, we just kind of went with it. I guess those aren't obligations. It's almost like again just little micro actions and ways in which I interact with the world to kind of adapt and conform to what other people might like. And I hate that. I hate that because I'm not one of those like really bad people pleasers where it's just like you know what I'm talking about like a people pleaser where it's like man stop. So because I get that cringey stop feeling with like bad people pleasers even like on a micro level. It's like, bro, I do see people where they are just they're just blissfully themselves.

25:16And yeah, they they might do disrespectful sometimes, like walk in and they're not they don't uh open the door for you or whatever the Like just in general, like they they don't care about being loud at a restaurant. They these these type of things. See, now we're getting somewhere. Like like that. Like I don't want to be too loud at a restaurant. Like I don't want to be that loud ignorant that's that's just you know yelling and making a scene and just in general like but if I want to be loud, not saying that I do, but if I want to be, why in my head am I just like why would I why would you look around? Who gives a Who gives a You think people give a about you? Yeah, they might be a little bit annoyed at something that you do or whatever, but damn. So little obligations like that, I guess, is where this all came from where Yeah. like feeling an obligation to even adhere to the social norms in society. And I could see that the push back would be I mean you're being polite.

26:15You sounds like you got raised correctly. You're not being a nuisance and like that. But I don't know, man. I don't know. I think that's why I think that's why when we we see kids just acting themselves there's like it's only to a certain age where you start to be like hey man you got to tighten up but damn how kids are just la they could just like be loud they could just be whatever I don't know at least with my kids I just catch myself I'll just like smile at them like they don't give a that is so natural that is definitely the way that we're supposed to be but again society has made us try to adhere to the different things that we say are correct. And maybe it is because society was never supposed to be this condensed. Like at least it never was.

27:11And we haven't had time to evolve and change the way that we interact with the society that you know that we're in. So maybe because it's so large, there's so many different rules. There's not just one tribe you have to keep track of and make sure you don't do this because that's the rules in this tribe. Like it is it's kind of a little bit of everything. A little bit of everywhere. And every single day there's something new which means new rules and new things you have to do. Well, you can't say that, you can't do that. Make sure, well, this is offensive. Don't don't ever say this term. There's there's all types of directions that you could go in. looking at the different obligations that that we have or that we feel like we have. But like I said, an obligation. There are only decisions. Let's say you the typical obligation you you you got to go home, see the family cuz it's Christmas time, it's Thanksgiving, it's the holidays, whatever your holiday is, you know, it's time for you to go see your people.

28:18It's a funeral. Well, you got to go and pay your respect. I have to. Well, yes. You can't not go. What are you? It's your bubby. You got to go and pay your bubby some respect. They died. They passed away. You're not going to sit here and make me look bad. They have an obligation to make sure that their family member goes and pays respect to Bubby because they might look bad. And then you know they have to go pay respect to Bubby in the first place because what? Because there's some sort of obligation behind when somebody dies, you have to go and pay respect. You have to go to the funeral or you're an You never cared. It's like one of those things that people talk about, right? Like if I die, how many people really going to go to my funeral? Jesus, you Why do you think that people need to go to your funeral? Why do you think that that's something that they should have to take time out of their day to go and do now?

29:21The better the better statement would be if I died, how many people would mourn me? Because that's something where you either do or you don't. Don't feel obligated to mourn anybody. That's kind of like what going to a funeral is. Man, I love hanging out with my family. I don't want to feel obligated. And that's in my opinion, it feels like that's what holidays have become. And I don't mean that in any negative way. I love my family. That's why I've been very open to them about that where it's just like, man, you notice that we all get together just because somebody at some point in time said this day was special. You know, you got a significant other, you got to give them a kiss, give them a gift, take them out somewhere, do something nice because somebody said February 14th is Valentine's Day. these different obligations that we have. If you don't do that, you're not going to college after high school.

30:17And maybe that that's a little bit more of a a dead thing since uh AI is increasingly taking over. Maybe that's going to be something that just dwindles hopefully because let's be real, a lot of things would just be a waste of money. I guess if you want the experience, but there's cheaper ways to get a college type experience without paying tuition to go to a college. But either way, for the longest time, that was an obligation. You know, let's say you're Jewish. It's one of those things where um I believe it's one of those things where they prefer for you to go and marry another Jewish person. Even if it it wasn't something where it's like uh set in stone as far as in the entire Jewish community. What if it was just your family? Like I want you to meet a nice Jewish girl. And you can mix that with or switch that with any other religion as well.

31:17Like I I want you to have a nice Christian, a nice Muslim, or a nice whatever. I want you to make sure you date somebody white. How about that? How about bringing back racial times where people didn't want you to mix with another u a race? Well, that's an obligation, Dad. Nobody's racist anymore. Like, it's 1975. It's just one love. It's peace. I don't I don't know if that was a good time. Obviously, people were still racist. You get what I'm saying? I'm not I I wasn't raised in the 40s or the 50s, Dad. I was raised in the 70s or the 80s or whatever the Like, I think differently. Why do I have to feel some sort of obligation to what? Date somebody my same color. Like, what? Race is a construct. We're all humans. That's it's a human race. So, like, I'll date a human. Don't worry, we're not going for any animals.

32:12But damn, why do I have to feel obligated? Why do I have to feel obligated to anything? And there are no obligations. There's only decisions. Like, let's play it out every single time. Well, you don't go to the funeral. What happens? Well, people would think that I'm like a bad grandson or whatever, whatever you are to the person that died. Okay. And then what? Well, then they might talk about me. Yeah, they might. They might. I guess they're going through their own thing. But if they do, then what? I mean, that would kind of suck. Like they What would they think about me? I mean, you just said what they would think about you. So, no mystery really there. They would think like, damn. He probably should have come. Why didn't they come? Why Why didn't they show up to the funeral? Whatever. Now, what? Well, I I don't like the way that makes me feel. Why? Why not? Well, because I feel like, you know, I feel like uh pariah.

33:08I feel like they're talking about me. I feel embarrassed. I feel whatever. See, if you actually break it down, it's just you feeling other people's feelings. It's you feeling their feelings. Well, they they didn't want me to do that. I'm not doing what they would prefer me to do. And now, I guess I feel like I'm I'm not pleasing them. I'm I might get kicked out of this invisible, non-existent tribe. Are they going to kick you out of your family? No. They're going to stop being your friends? Well, they're not your friends anyways. There's an answer to all this We know. We know. We could break this down. But it's kind of like one of those things that we just kind of go with, you know? Like one thing that my mom used to always say when I was younger, if I wanted to do something, don't ever ask like in front of my friend. Like don't have your friend right next to you and be like, "Hey, can so and so stay the night? Hey, can I go to so- and so's house?

34:05Can so and so stay for dinner?" And they're like right there. My mom, that was a that was a very clear rule. Don't do that. Don't put me in that spot. Don't make me feel like I have to say yes. I'm sorry. Feel like you have to what? Mother, we are a child. We're children. We are children here. And it made sense. I was just like, "Yeah, but it's like only now." And I understand. By no means am I judging my mom. It's one of those things. Like I said, it's been almost baked into us. Maybe it did all start with not wanting to get kicked out of the tribe, not to be ostracized or whatever. But damn, if a little eight-year-old gets their feelings hurt because you said no, they can't stay the night. It's going to be all right. It's going to be cool. You'll be all right. Little Johnny, take your ass home. Your mom probably whipping up some meatloaf or some You got something good. It'll be okay. And you're going to be happy that you got your video games and you're just chilling at your house.

35:01And I'm going to be happy because I didn't sit here and feel guilted into doing something because a child was here. Even if it was a grown ass person, I don't give a But these are the type of things where it's like I that's it's almost it's one of those things where it's like common courtesy. Like I don't do that to anybody now. That's been it's been instilled in me since I was a kid where I just don't put people on the spot to this day. to this day. Like if uh if my mom wants to spend time with the kids, well, I gotta talk to my girl about it. It's probably it's probably good, but I'm not about to do it right now. Be like, "Hey, by the way, I don't know. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it." There's definitely nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with any of these different ways of going about it. And that's that's my point. We feel like it's bad. We feel like we're doing something wrong. But there's no right, there's no wrong. There's no good. There's no bad. There's no obligation. There's only decisions. So, you can decide to let somebody down.

36:01I can decide to do whatever and I just have to deal with the consequences and the repercussions that come with that decision. That's it. That's it. You're not really obligated to do anything. You know, you uh you might in fact kind of be a piece of You know, let's say you're married. You're not obligated to not cheat on your spouse, but you know, you you probably are kind of a piece of if you do that. You're not obligated not to just stop speaking to your kids after they turn 18. They're adults. You're not obligated, but you're probably a that is ruining at least one life. I mean, You don't have obligations. You just have decisions and you got to deal with the fallout of everything you decide. But don't for me it's still one of those it's like like I know this about to be a hard conversation but the more of those hard conversations you just be like I'mma do it anyways.

37:11So to this day, I still think about damn hard conversation. But I'm I'm g say you gotta you got to look at these obligations and be like, "Hey, you know what? I don't want to do that." Respectfully, don't don't say it in in some negative way like, "Fuck you. seeing you on Christmas. your funeral." You can say it in a good way, but that doesn't mean you have to live your life according to somebody else's feelings, according to what they consider right. Life lesson number three. There's growing pains and there's stagnant pains. You can't avoid your pain. You can only choose which one to feel. This unfortunately is one you have to learn the hard way. You have to learn the pain of being stagnant only after being stagnant. And it doesn't have to be for a super long time. It doesn't have to be forever. Some people really do go their entire lives being stagnant.

38:09And it's not until they're on their deathbed that they they have their regrets. They have all the I should have, I could have, and I would have. But like I said, I've had I've had different points in my life where I did let the bad things that happened in my life, not happened to me in my life, but just the things that happened in my life, I've let them get me down multiple times. Um, I've I've let life I've let myself let life get my mental to a state that I never want to go again. I never want to feel like quitting again. You feel me? So, I've been down a lot. And unfortunately, sometimes you just want to wallow in it. Now thankfully when I look around there's people that they do they wallow a long time.

39:10That's basically their entire life. That's the way that they've always dealt with things. So I've I've been blessed enough to these happen more in periods. The longest being like a year of my life where it's like honestly it wasn't until looking back it's like dude you just you just didn't have it. you you really like up up in your headsp space you was not there I I don't want to say the word depressed but you were you were doing some of the things that someone would show or say are the signs of depression but I think that that's different than having like clinical depression if that makes sense like you can go through fa through phases of this without it being something that you have to medicate I I don't know I I have a whole beef against people that try to medicate against that. But then I've also seen firsthand how bad it can be for some people.

40:08So, because I've seen that, I know that I don't have that. I don't have like clinical depression or, you know, like I know people that have like really severe bipolar disorder and like that. This this isn't that. It was more a little bit of that first life lesson where this victim mentality and then this lesson three creeping in where it's just like it and I'm just doing a little bit of nothing. Just roll over. You got it. Life wins. You know, one of those things where eventually you just snap out of it. So, what are you doing? the longest period, like I said, being being a little bit over a year. That was the last time where I was just like, "Okay, that hurt." Like I I feel I felt like I lost like I was missing time. Like I was just seeing time peel away. And a certain part of me still feels that way.

41:06Like time moves so fast. It's ridiculous. It always has felt disrespectful how fast time goes by. So, it's not like that disappears, but it's just something I guess with the whole giving up part of it where you just really are just sitting there like you're not growing. You're just sitting there. And I'm not talking about like the Rocky montage where you're putting in the work and you know this is just the the cut scene where you're getting your together and then years later you end up coming. No, this is not what I'm talking about. I'm saying you're just sitting in the same spot. You're not training. You're not getting ready. You're not growing. You're not doing any of that. This has nothing to do with you meeting certain benchmarks, meeting certain points in your life and milestones that you're like, "Okay, this is like I don't have the career. I'm not making $100,000 a year yet." So, like, I'm I'm not talking about any benchmarks whatsoever. I'm talking about in general, even if you were just one step at a time growing, you are growing.

42:04And there is pain in both. There is pain in actually growing and feeling like, "Wait, I'm doing the work. I I see that I'm growing. I'm doing something here. Why in the am I not where I want to be? And this is why benchmarks have nothing to do with it. This is why you can you can hit those milestones and it still feels like nothing. It feels like you're still just stuck in one spot because what might be a milestone to somebody else could just be nothing to you because you still feel like you're stuck just doing the same thing over and over and over again. There are pains either way when you're growing and you you feel the growth, but you don't you haven't seen the benefits of it. You haven't gotten the success. You haven't tasted the fruits of your labor, so to speak. You haven't gotten there yet. That can hurt, too. But god damn.

43:01God damn. staying the same, stagnant, staying complacent still. I feel my personal experience, it's so much worse. I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people can go years, decades, their entire life. I don't know how I went a year where next thing I know it was just time passing by was I I literally couldn't even tell you what I did. That's why it's like it feels like I was missing time. Yes, I can actually like if I sit here and think about it, well, we remember we did that. Well, yeah, we did do that. I just was doing so much of nothing. So much of just going through the same thing in and out. Like I'm not saying like you're just off on your responsibilities. That's not what this is. Not growing, not testing yourself, pushing yourself to actually be more.

44:00Just being complacent, just being like, "Well, this is life." That hurts. There's growing pains and there's stagnant pains. You can't avoid your pain. You can only choose which one to feel. And if I had a choice in the matter, every single time, hands down, I'm choosing growing pains. There's a reason why kids say their bones hurt and You're growing. Sorry, little Timmy. Your bones are growing. That's why your joints hurt. Don't worry, you're not old. It's not the same thing. Your body is just growing. But god damn, wouldn't it hurt if all of your classmates just continued to grow and everybody continued to become an adult and you just stayed the same? Well, that would hurt, too. So, trust me, just like kids would choose to grow up, we have to choose our growing pains as well. And that that we is it's like the royal we don't know which is it not the royal we or the royal we I'm talking about my self.

44:59If you take something from this I hope you do but if you take something from this that's awesome but I can't I'm not even going to pretend like I know your life or how you perceive things. I can only say the way that I'm looking at this Life lesson number four. It's natural to have regrets. Just don't obsess over them. And this fits right into the theme of what we've been talking about. You're gonna you're gonna up. You're going to you're going to say, "Damn, I could have done this and I would have grown faster. I had those stagnant periods in my life, like a whole year, where I just like I basically I don't know if you've seen that movie Click, where Buddy goes into autopilot and he's there and he does all the that he's supposed to do. He goes to work. He is there with his kids. He's having like family meals and but he's just like a drone going through it. Like physically there, but mentally check the out.

45:57So, I've gone through that and I regret the out of it. I've gone through that and I wish that I could take that year back. You know what? Like I've done in a year's time. There is a whole book that could be written just using the different regrets listed out in my life. I regret things all the time. Even trivial It's like, damn, I should have said that. I should have said it like this. Ah, man. Why didn't I uh why didn't I I I check my nose for that booger before I left the house? I regret that Like I should have I should have picked that. Should have got that out. It's completely normal to say, "Damn, I wish I would have done this."

46:54It's always the hindsight that is so clear. We always find clarity looking back. But obsessing over them, it's kind of that same narcissistic quality that you would get by indulging in your victim mentality. again. Do you you think you're the only one? You're the only one that's had regrets. You think that you fixating about your regrets is going to stop you from future regrets? Or do you think, just play it out, do you think that there's a chance that give it some time, you look back and realize that, hey, I spent x amount of time thinking about the that I regret. Now I regret that time that I was thinking about my regrets. And now I regret thinking about the regrets that I had. Well, I can't keep going. I don't know. You know what I was about to do.

47:52You know, you can't you you can spiral out if you want to. You can keep thinking about your regrets if you want to. It's it's not healthy. And I guess out of all of the lessons so far, this was the easiest to overcome. It's because I guess naturally, not even like I'm trying to be healthy. I think it's literally just on some ignorant I there's something in my brain. I think it's called um compartment compartmentalizing or some like that where it's like I could literally just click things off like everything's going to and I guess yeah it's just a switch where it's like okay it. So obviously I still have regrets. That's not something that I can take away. But overthinking about them it I guess it just it sort of just pisses me off because it's it's never that deep. Like bro it is not that deep. There is nothing that is happening right now that you really have to sit here and think about for hours and hours like it's going to change anything.

48:54And I guess this one was the easiest to overcome because it really does piss me off in the moment. I'll just be like thinking about be like ah get out of my head like like stop stop thinking about this So it's one of those where even though it creeps up it was really easy to just push away. And maybe that's not healthy but it's kind of just the way that I've dealt with that. And the last life lesson number five, a boy questions the world, a man questions himself. And that I couldn't think of any life lesson better to wrap this all up with. The world is just happening. It's not happening to any of us. It's just happening. A boy questions the world like, "Why is this happening to me? Why would the why would I miss this red light? Why wouldn't I do this? Why would it? Shut up. Question all of these things about the world.

49:50You maybe there is some malicious reasoning behind something. Does it does it really matter? I'm not saying ignore the world. I'm not saying ignore your surroundings and like that. But a man well the first place he questions is inside is himself. And when I say man, let's say mankind, you know, for for the sake of this video, or woman, you know, so a uh I was about to say a person, but an adult uh person that is trying to take some sort of culpability for their life, some responsibility for the that happens to them. Anybody that is trying to drive a boat like that, they can't consistently question the world and expect for answers to come raining down. You know how many more answers you get when you question yourself. Even it could be an argument with somebody.

50:50If the first thing you think of is like, why would they do this? Why did they do that? Why? It's like, calm down. I know that's emotionally where you want to go, but if the first thing you do instead is what did I do to make this happen? Like how how did I cause this? How did I continue to instigate this? How did I continue to push this forward? What could I have done differently? And tying it back to the la last life lesson, don't sit here and go crazy over it, obsess over it, and fixate over all the different mistakes you've made and regrets that you have. Just learn from it. It's one of those like what can I do? And even if you it's not even for next time. It could be let's say in the example of an argument could be like look I actually I said that a little bit fill in the blank or hey you know what I could have done this better. I could have said that better. I should have done this instead. Calling yourself out in the moment and flexing that muscle of saying okay wait what could I have done?

51:50So you're fired. It's like oh my god. It's like what did I do to lead to this happening? How can I avoid this happening again? A boy questions the world. What? You're firing me? Why would this happen to me? A man questions himself? This is This is probably because I did that. And even if you don't have the answers, if it's like, well, this is just unexplainable. the fact that you're even questioning yourself, you're already on a better foot forward because you have more answers at your disposal. Let's say it's like, well, it's just layoffs. Well, now what? Well, they fired you just cuz they're in a bad mood. Well, you're in an argument because you can have all these things where you come up with this and it's just like, okay, now what? But questioning yourself, you have a what next moment. You know, this happened because honestly, I was a little bit passive aggressive when I said that.

52:49I don't know why I said it like that. I kind of threw some shots when I responded right there. Why? Why was that my first reaction? You know what? I didn't take a breath before I responded. That's probably why I just reacted emotionally. All these things where you can question yourself and say, "How can I do this better? How can I actually get what I want?" which is hopefully not to argue, hopefully not to get fired, hopefully to just be able to live the life that for the most part you want. Do things happen? Yes, as we've already gone over, just happens. It's it's okay. There's going to be things that you wish that you would have done better. It's okay. There's going to be times that things just happen to you and there's nothing that you could have done. But questioning yourself and seeing what you could have done hypothetically where where could we have gone better, that's that's going to do nothing but help you. And those are five life lessons that I had to learn the hard way.